a battle I can win

I’ve spent about 1/2 my life as a slave to pharmaceutical companies… from a young age, I found myself wrapped up in bottles of multi-hued pills and tablets. As a teenager, it was recreational (and stupid) just as kids are… but as I’ve grown older and approached adulthood, it was no longer fun, it was necessary.
By the time I was 18, the pain in my body and head were getting more and more severe. Migraines, back pain (I have an abnormal curvature at the base of my spine… no one knows how it was missed during all those scoliosis screenings in school), joint and body pain… that was later diagnosed as Fibromyalgia and Hyper-mobility syndrome, and my head pain… my dear and beloved Chiari.
Muscle relaxers (Flexeril, Soma, Baclofen) became a good friend around the age of 18… they made my back feel better, and usually my neck… and they helped me to fall asleep. They did little for any other pains though…
Shortly after that, I grew more and more affectionate toward pain killers. Percocet, Vicodin… and for all over body pain, Valium. They took away the pain that I had in my joints… Then there was the Fiorecet… that helped with the Tension headaches.
I became SO reliant on my medications that I would be in severe pain if I didn’t take some.
From about 18 to just after my 27th birthday, I don’t think there was a day that passed where I didn’t take SOMETHING.
I hid my love of colored tablets well. Functioned, worked at times 2 jobs and went to school… but it grew harder and harder to deal with. There were points where I had 2 Primary Care physicians and BOTH were giving me different meds… one would give me Flexeril and Percocet, the other, Soma and Vicodin. I was always stocked.
As the pain in my body grew and because worse, I started seeing specialists and other doctors… (Neurologist, Neurosurgeons, Rheumatist…) and everyone would have a different pill in mind for a different ailment. My dresser looked like a shelf in a pharmacy. 5-10 little orange bottles, with labels with names of pills that made people look at me like I was crazy.
I’m an addict. Plain and simple. And I always will be.
I tried time after time to just take things when I had pain, but it would only last that way for a short amount of time. After a few days of “behaving” I’d end up with a mix of different pills dissolving in my belly and filling my veins with a calming happiness.

If it hadn’t been for Monkey, my sister and my friends, I don’t think I could have ever stopped. At the end I was averaging 4-6 Muscle relaxers a day, 4-8 Vicodins a day, and then I had my random Percocets and Valiums or Fiorecets. Body full of pills, at all times, morning, day, night… and in the evening, washed down with a tasty adult beverage.
I conquered my “demon” on Christmas day 2008. I stopped. I shook UNCONTROLLABLY for days. Vomiting, doubled over in pain, sweating, freezing, and every muscle and joint in my body was on fire. Monkey supported me in a way I never could have imagined. So strong for me… and no one had ever cared that much before.
I had my surgery in January 2009… I was afraid. I KNEW I’d been “clean” less than a month, and I was going to be thrown head first into that element again. But I was stronger this time. I made a bottle of pills meant for 20days last about 2 months. I tried to just take Tylenol or Motrin when I could. And I did. I succeeded.
Hot showers and heating pads replaced bottles …. Stretching and yoga replaced pills. Slow and steady.
I stopped all meds in March… 2 months after surgery. VERY rarely I need a muscle relaxer, but I try to only take 1/2 a pill now… and that’s 1/2 a pill a week, and only if the muscle pain in my neck is unbearable.
Multi Vitamins, Vitamin D and Calcium have become the main staples of my “pill” diet now. And Tons of water and green tea. The pain was for a reason. My Vitamin D deficiency, lack of minerals and nutrients my body REALLY needed…

I’ll always have that “itch” in the back of my brain that I will want to scratch… but I know I can’t. I’ve been put in the situation where my old best bottle friends were right in front of me, and I held on to Monkey’s hand and realized that the life I have now is the life that’s worth living… not where I was. He reminds me to be strong. Not just for him, but for myself. He reminds me that I need to take care of myself for ME… because no one else can do it for me.
… and to take care of myself for our future family.
I’m healthier now than I’ve been in years. I’m not the HEALTHIEST person alive, and I never will be. But I’m the healthiest me I can be. I’m clean, for the 1st time in 10 years, I’m clean, and I’m enjoying my life that way.

I didn’t need an inpatient program, or a counselor… but I’m not like anyone else. Some people NEED that help, and maybe someday in the future, I’ll need to see someone to stay on the straight and narrow. I’ve even debated NA classes to make sure I can do it. But I know I can now. A week was the longest time I ever spent with out the pills, and that was just to try to drop my tolerance.

What’s amazing, is that I don’t even LIKE the feeling the meds gave me before. Post Op, I hated that lack of control feeling… and I had so many meds in the hospital (Morphine, Valium, Toradol, Percocet) and I hated the lack of control.

It’s going to be a long road, but it’s worth it. My body is cleaned out, and being healthy is the 1st step to a healthy baby…

With that being said... http://www.theantidrug.com . This is occuring more in more in Teens and young adults, and there is a high abuse level for Rx meds, and parents don't know. Please, educate yourself and safeguard your home and your children.