... humbling mumblings.

I had a delightful chat with the 11 year old girl across the street today. She is SO wise beyond her years, and I LOVE talking to her. (She comes out when her little brother comes out to play with Ashy and the girls. She loves to sit on the stairs and talk to me about "tween stuff" while they run around)

I was doing some discussion board/introduction homework and she was telling me about he homework and classmates. She wants to be a doctor, and she knows she has at least 8 additional years of full time college, and she's excited for it. She loves math and science. She's such a smart and polite spitfire. She was asking me what I had wanted to be when I was a kid, and what I want to do now... 

So I told her the truth:
I don't know what I want to be when I grow up.
I'm 33 years old and I have no career path or mindset for a job (or if I'll really be working one in the near future) 

When I was filling out my enrollment application for the Voke, I wanted to either do Architectural Drafting, Commercial Artistry or Cosmetology ... I chose Welding. I didnt follow it as a career, I ended up in Customer Service.
I never went to college.
I always wanted to be a tattoo artist, and then I wanted my degree in Art History. I never followed up on getting an apprenticeship because I was too shy, too afraid of rejection, or too high. 

I finally find happiness and start following some dreams, and taking steps to DO what I want.

and then BAM, my body and brain decided to start revolting against me.  In less than 10 years I've been diagnosed with all sorts of crap, had a bunch of surgeries, given up things I've loved... It breaks my heart. I fight and fight for things, and I feel like its all in vain.

I want my degree. I know its ONLY a Liberal Arts Associates degree, and everyone's like, That's stupid, its a waste degree, but DAMN IT, I'm busting my ass for it, just like I did for my Substance Abuse Certificate. 

I try to fight through my pain, and find a way to do what I want... but I barely have the energy to get through the "What I NEED to do" things. I have to take care of Ashlyn, I have to help try to run a house hold. I have to remember to eat and take care of myself. Beyond that, everything is secondary. 

It's just hard and frustrating to watch everything you've every wanted, and everything you've worked for be ripped from your aching hands. I don't see the same person in the mirror I once saw, and it breaks my heart. I would give anything to have myself by for 48 hours, just to muscle thru all the grunt work of my week, but mainly just to see the spark in my eye that I had before I became exhausted and burnt out. 

I'm worried I've taken on too much. Full time for this semester. Ashy is in school. Plus I'm sick and in pain... I want to sign up for the PTO at school, and maybe help coach TBall in the spring...

I am going to die.