it is what it is

... Ever just feel like if you don't get the things inside your head OUT,  you'll have a break down? I feel like that's where I'm headed. 
I've had a migraine since Friday night. I can't get the pressure pain under control either. It's been at a 10/10 on the pain scale. Between Zomig, Caffeine, Ibuprofen, Tylenol, icepacks, essential oils and laying down I've managed to get it down to n 8/10. (essentially means I've stopped drooling and I can tolerate light and sounds again a bit)...
take a
I pretty much live my life at a constant 5/10 on the pain scale. I don't know what it's like to not be in pain anymore. It's really sad. I even said recently that if I woke up tomorrow and I wasn't in pain at ALL, I would immediately go to the hospital, because I would fear that something was horribly wrong. That is NOT a normal reaction to being painfree. 

I feel like I am mourning the life I used to live a lot more lately. I miss things I used to do with ease and with out issue.
I sat in my car and cried today because I had to drive home from the college after picking up a book and I just didn't have the strength or energy to do so, but I HAD to. (It's only Danvers to Everett!)
Holding my book and a few other items the bookstore my shoulder popped and then like a slinky just kind of slinked out of socket and I almost dropped all of my items onto the floor. Apparently my shoulder decided that a small book, a notebook, 2 highlighters and a pack of pens were beyond me to hold! I had to pop it back in at the counter. Murderous, rampaging pain. (Awesome looks too) 

My SSDI claim was denied again. My initial and application for reconsideration, both denied. I listed everything wrong, gave all my doctors information, all my treatment info, and was pretty much told to shove off. So now my lawyer has to file an appeal to go before a judge. As if I'm not depressed and anxious enough. bleh. Thankfully the lawyer handles all this shit, because I can't deal with it. 

I have all sorts of Disability Accommodation forms for school I need filled out asap too. I need to get my Neurologist and PCP to fill them out and then take care of what ever the next steps are asap. (My classes are all online this semester, since I can't handle the stress of the commute or sitting in classes. At least online, I can lay down, do them intermittently if/as I feel up to it.... If I get an insomnia burst at 3am, I can do work laying on the couch, or when ever... it's still less than ideal, but it's worked for me. I just need that safety net, since I struggle with deadlines and not feeling well)

I think the hardest part in all this is not being an amazing mom like I want to be. I never had plans in life to be a mommy... and then BAM, I wanted to be a mommy. I had hoped I'd be this kickass mom. But now I spend most of my time sick/sore/ill. I don't want all of Ashlyn's memories of my to be how sick I am/was, or that I wasn't fun enough. I want her to have memories of me being an awesome mom and of all the fun we had. I try my best to do everything for her, and hold it together, and then I crumble and fall apart once she is in bed (or at school). I just can't predict when my body is going to want to crap out on me. 

*sigh*

it is what it is. Bitching about it won't make it any better. I just keep telling myself that. I woke up this morning, so I should be golden. ... I just want one day when everything is easy/perfect. just one. (and for all my lovies to have the same thing... one easy/perfect/peaceful day... )
Is that too much to ask?